SHARE
READ & LEAVE A COMMENT
Filed in
I Hate You Divorce!
Really, I do.
I met divorce at 16 when I thought it really could not affect me…clearly, I was wrong!!!!
After 21 years (and a few months) of marriage, my parents threw in the towel, burned their vows, decided that the fight for their love was over, and filed for divorce.
R.I.P. To My Normal.
This was 8 years (and some change) ago, and I’m still learning about what I picked up, if it was good or bad, and letting go of the things that do not help me. Long story short, I am still rebuilding (which isn’t a bad thing…).
That’s right, the most influential relationship of my life, my first example of what a relationship looks like, the measuring stick to what is common/uncommon to me, the presenters of my normal…my parents’ relationship, failed.
Sometimes the truth is harsh and a filter will only blind you from knowing it, so I won’t use it.
At times we hate the look of failure but if you look again, there is a lesson.
Before we take on tomorrow (a second chance as I like to call it), own your circumstances, and don’t ignore them or allow them to handicap you. Push through, push through and do allow them to assist in building the authentic you.
In my journey of hate, healing and understanding, I’ve accepted that we have to decide to permit our circumstances to help us understand who we are, how we are built, and relate to the people around us. If not, we’ll never truly know the negative effect of using these following phrases and others alike as excuses: ‘you don’t know what it’s like to________’ or ‘if you had my__________, you would___________.’ When we say these things, we’re basically giving others our pain to carry, dismissing and devaluing their own level of pain/hurt/anger they are able to bear, as if we are the only ones who have been hurt.
We have our own experience.
We can’t spew out our pain as wisdom until we’ve chewed on it a bit, you know processed it, and decided what good came out of the bad. And even then, you and me have to let examples be examples, and let our circumstances be ours.
Telling the truth and being honest about my parents’ divorce has taught me:
Aside from learning how much/deep I hate divorce…
1. Don’t think you know the truth…Know the truth (concerning you).
Face the facts. We can’t change the past or wish our present were different if we don’t admit what we actually experienced. Ask yourself, “What happened?” and think about how you reacted after it did.
2. Don’t let the facts leave you bitter.
The facts make room for you to steer the truth and still be you regardless of the tragedy you may endure. Don’t stay sad, mad and bitter, allowing your circumstances (events/things you can not control or change) to handicap you. Remember you’re still worthy and deserving regardless of what you’ve been through…go look in the mirror and see that you are still here!
3. Set aside time to vent…and to listen (just as air comes out…let air come in).
Let the people that care about you hear you vent, don’t keep it to yourself. Then, when you’re done…breathe (in and out), go look in the mirror again, see that you are still here, and let the people that care about help you (if they can). That’s right, listen to what they have to say, if you trust them enough with what you vent, trust them enough to at least hear what they have to say concerning it. Don’t just vent, allow room for growth and understanding.
4. Just because you’ve been hurt doesn’t give you the right to hurt (see number 1 and 2).
I truly…have learned through my parents’ divorce that hurt people hurt people. From areas directly and indirectly related (as in only related to me), I began to see some of my actions and what I allowed because I didn’t recognize what this meant (and at times that I was it).
When parents divorce, they have to rebuild and sometimes they forget that their child (at whatever age) is rebuilding at the same time. Just as hurt people hurt people, we have to remember and remind others, “I’m not okay, if I don’t say I’m okay.” If you want people to value your pain and experience, value theirs.
5. I know misery loves company…but misery also needs a life (away from yours).
My number 3 talks about being bitter yet allowing room for growth. If the people you vent with only want to hear you vent and never want to see or hear you moving forward, their care is lacking and sounds like misery is keeping you company. The thing about misery is…it doesn’t care about the person you are and are trying to be. It will rehearse the past (over and over again) to keep you there, unfocused, and never able to make progress. Be present in your present and let the past be a lesson, not a place you’re trying to live.
It’s true, I do hate divorce but I am thankful for what it has taught me and what it’s helped/helping me to build.
You don’t have to bash your parents to tell the truth about the divorce…I think…
My experience. My journey.
7 Responses
My parents are still together, so I can’t even imagine how much hurt a child can feel from a divorce or a parent can feel while going through one. I imagine it is so difficult.
Absolutely, it took me 7 to 8 years after it happened to realize the baggage I gained and the new perspective that was formed! We all process it differently, and as I journeyed through what it meant to no longer have my “normal,” it really became a journey of Hate, Healing and (eventually) Understanding. I had to stop by learning that my circumstances are not a crutch!!
Thanks so much for commenting Logan!
Great article Lauren! Sharing our stories as adult children of divorce is very healing. You are so spot on in saying many things, including: it can take many years to recover, understanding the divorce and not allowing yourself to be a victim are key to healing. My daughter Tracy and I have a website for adult children of divorce and others recovering from divorce. I hope you will visit us @ movingpastdivorce.com
Regards, Terry
Absolutely Terry, I think that sometimes there is so much humor and tips vs. lessons out there that we forget the power of our story and understanding its purpose…to heal and guide us (and others) forward. I released the book, [Dear Divorce, Thank You…] as an experience for us “grown kids” and insight for those surrounding. It helps to create your own perspective of your situation, realizing that our parents did what was necessary for them and it’s now our turn. Admitting that sometimes we don’t heal because we are afraid to be honest about the truth that is. We all have to add to the honest conversation. Thanks again for commenting Terry!
But please note that I do love/appreciate tips and humor!! 🙂
I love this article Lauren! It really hits home. My parents divorced when I was 6, so I had a less understanding, but I knew at some point I wanted a dad. My dad is what you call a deadbeat dad, but I still loved him. He was a joy to be around, he was just not a responsible person. My mother then remarried when I was 12 and then they divorced when I was in my 20s. That one was hard because I lived with this man more than my own dad and he taught and gave me more. But after they divorced, it was like I didn’t exist to him anymore. It really hurt. Now, I am going through a divorce. It hurts, hurts, hurt. Not only for myself, but for my small children. My youngest is 1. I fear they will never know what it is like to have a two parent household or they will have a tainted view of marriage. I feel like my husband has not thought about those things, he only thinks that divorce will be just good for us, but has not thought about how this will effect my kids. Anyhow, I can go on and on, but thank you for this!
Rekita, I’m so sorry to hear that. When my dad divorced my mom, after she got tired of calling his bluff several times, he never apologized to me or attempted to explain. He felt like (by saying) he only divorced my mother, even though I was the one having to initiate hangouts after everything was final and he had a new address. Throughout all the years, they were never separated, he was the only “father figure” I knew. So it was weird having to force my way and make him want me to visit (when it mattered to me) and be interested in my life afterwards…as if my DNA changed. I can totally relate to the hurt of feeling like you lost a parent in divorce. It took me some time to realize that because my dad took sort of the hands-off approach, and provided us with the drama/crazy we used as a “push” to do well in school. While my mom took pride in being…our mom. We all take different things from divorce, some good and bad. My mom feared that I wouldn’t know how I was supposed to be treated and I feared…and at times I still have to catch myself…that I would marry someone just like him. Not that he was the worst person in the world. I just don’t want that. So I work through not being defensive because I do want to get married… one day! Maybe taking all this time to confront it kept me away from it…I don’t know! But it sucks when its forgotten or not fully brought into consideration who we (as kids of divorce) will be after it’s over. I think I would have had a tainted view of marriage if people had not asked me questions and made assumptions about how I felt about marriage since having divorced parents. Those moments made me sit down, dissect and process the hate/pain for healing and understanding because the commentary was as if my parents’ past is hereditary and bound to be repeated in my present and future. The hard thing to remember, which relates to what you said, “he only thinks that divorce will be just good for us” is that parents do what is necessary for them at the time (even though my mom never wanted to be divorced or for me to not know a 2-parent household). I had to realize as my parents’ grown kid that we have the same privilege to do what’s necessary for us. I appreciate when my mom listened to me explain how I felt about some of the things I was curious about or witnessed that happened in their marriage, it didn’t put her down, it just showed her what I came to understand from her. Being honest about the past and where I want to be in the present and future really helped me to heal and understand, even when I ultimately didn’t want to heal and understand. I can go on and on too, thank you for relating with me. We all are going to continue to push through!
Thank you Lauren for your heartfelt piece. My story is like yours – 15, 22-year marriage. At 44, I can say that real healing occurs when 1) I accept the harm done through telling the truth about my family, 2) forgive others for their roles in the hurt (I particularly had to do this with my Dad’s mistress-turn new wife so I could have peace), 3) ask for forgiveness from the people I harmed deeply when in the pain, and 4) forgive myself for all the harm I caused me in the process of digesting this life event. I pray for other teens and affected adult children who are walking this road. And as my brother always says…when you are walking through Hell, don’t pitch a tent!