Let me get this out of the way…
I do not have relationship advice (it would be cool if I did…maybe?).
No sir. No ma’am.
Instead, I have make your own mistakes advice.
Love on your own terms advice…
Do NOT take on the pain of someone else as your own, deciding to never love advice.
Let’s be real and say it with me, “The only way to avoid divorce is NOT to never get married.”
Now that you know I’m not going to give you 50 tips on marriage, let me tell you how I arrived here.
My parents got divorced after 21 years (and a few months) of marriage, 8 years (and some change) ago. I am their grown kid of divorce living through understanding. Yes. 8 years (and some change) later, I’m done having hate/tolerating pain about things I can’t change, and being bitter without a true cause. I’m enjoying being healed of some and working through healing of the rest (concerning the divorce), and whatever else I picked up on my journey.
Bear with me…
Out of curiosity, I saw the movie A.C.O.D.-Adult Children of Divorce after finishing the writing portion of my first book, which is about being my parents’ grown kid of divorce; it’s a self-help experience from one “kid” to another. The reason I’m mentioning this movie and why it’s important is… after viewing it all the way through, the end credits “spoke” to me! It confirmed why “Do successful/happy/till-death-do-us-part marriages…exist?” is a necessary question and the following:
Let me preface it with this-
If you know someone that has experienced failure, let their story be an example, not THE example for all.
Think about this…
Our parents are our most influential example of what a relationship looks like, they presented what they thought we should consider normal and decided what was common with their actions… Then they got divorced, and became an example of what a failed relationship looks like.
Now we know how it feels to have our normal be ripped apart or simply not be permitted to live it.
I know it’s harsh but it is the reality I push through and continue to heal from, I can only tell it as I know it. Plus, sugar coating the truth just puts a hold on personal growth, which is another topic!
But, the big question that makes us hesitant is, “ how can you have success if you’ve only seen failure?”
Well, who’s failure are we talking about? Yours… Or someone else? Do you really know what it is like to be them, walk in their shoes, or live a life outside of your own?
(Take a minute, think about it…)
I’ve noticed that there are some people that will bet against someone because they don’t know what it looks like to win, not because they have the inside scoop that no one can win…they just have never seen it, so why can you be it?
It’s actually quite sad but it is a question that I have been asked.
I don’t have relationship advice to give. However, I do have Make your own mistakes advice. Love on your own terms advice… Do NOT take on the pain of someone else as your own, deciding to never love advice.
So, if you are your parents’ grown kid of divorce or anyone thinking on this question:
Should you get married if you have never seen a successful/happy/till-death-do-us-part marriage?
Well, I would hope so because if you’re pondering this question that means…
+ You more than likely have never seen yours
+ You have time to STOP pondering marriage’s end from an outsider’s viewpoint
++ Work on the person you are, build with the person you want to be with…
+ And START pondering on why and how it can be successful!!!
It IS yours, do with it what you want…just make sure the other person genuinely wants to do the same thing!
As a child of divorce’s aftermath, I did have a front row seat to its journey but I don’t know what it was like to be my parents or the reasoning they truly used to make their decision…that’s their story to tell, not mine, nor for me to try to relive.
And I would be CRAZY (it’s that deep for me) to think, “The only way to avoid divorce is to never get married.” Not allowing myself the opportunity to create a bond that my parents allowed to create me. Or giving our future something we never had and at times wish we did.
I think it’s great to know why people think the way they do. Even more, to know why we think the way we do, and if it is helping or keeping/hurting us from moving forward with our own decisions based on the life we want, not our parents’ or any other person’s past.
Do successful marriages exist?
Well, here is my main thought:
If we are willing to create it with people willing to fight for it.
Yes, my parents got divorced and yes, I am still hopeful of what marriage can be beyond depressing statistics. Only the people in it can decide, “Do successful marriages exist?” for themselves.
Our parents, friends and/or relatives’ divorce can’t determine the direction of our life.
Some quote statistics when they talk about divorce…I don’t.
My experience. My journey.