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The Power of Reassurance in Your Relationship
The words we use day in and day out with our partners are powerful. Quite often, we don’t even realize how much of an influence on our partner those words can have.
And because of that, we have the ability to impact the quality of our relationships through the words we use daily.
Psychologist William James once said that the deepest human principle is the desire to be appreciated. Unfortunately, we often feel that if we let our partner know how we feel about them once, our job is done.
The fact is, we all benefit from reassurance in a major way. Affirmations. Encouragement. They’re a verbal sign of our love for our mate. Relationship counselor and author Gary Chapman considers ‘Words of Affirmation” as one of the five main love languages in his best-selling book, The 5 Love Languages.
When I talk to couples about how much reassurance can help improve their relationships, I often get replies like, “Well, she should already know how much I love her. Do I really need to remind her all the time?” or, “I’m just not as emotionally expressive as he is. Shouldn’t he know how much I love him already?”
Gary Chapman mentions in his book, “One way to express love emotionally is to use words that build up…The object of love is not getting something you want, but doing something for the well-being of the one you love.”
And that’s definitely what love is all about.
Here are 4 things you should continue to remind your partner of on a regular basis:
1. Why you love them: It’s pretty simple to mutter “I love you” everyday before bed or through text, but when was the last time you filled your mate in on “why” you love them? Not only will doing so lift your mate’s spirits and keep them feeling appreciated, but it’s also a great way to keep yourself from taking them for granted.
2. You’ll always be there for them: Support comes in handy the most when we’re struggling. The greatest feeling when you’re down is knowing you have a mate who’s right by your side through it all. How often do you remind your mate that you have their back?
3. How much you believe in them: As an entrepreneur, I can say there have been times when the gas that kept me going was my wife’s belief in me, when I didn’t believe in myself. We’ve all been there. When life is kicking your butt, it’s a beautiful thing to have a partner who helps you recognize your greatness and encourages you to embrace it.
4. That you’re still committed: Sure, you might’ve expressed your commitment to them in the past. Maybe you’re even married or engaged. But with every relationship come ups and downs that can leave you feeling unsure about the future. A simple ‘I still am and will always be committed to you’ from time to time can really go a long way in those moments.
Now, there are some folks who would point this out as something that only women need and benefit from. I want to stress that reassurance is something we ALL benefit from, not just the ladies.
Also, it’s important to understand that no amount of reassurance matters if your actions don’t follow suit. While I always stress the power of what we say, our words lose that power when they’re not backed up with action to give them meaning.
So what say you, folks? How often do you use words to reassure and encourage your mate? How has it impacted your relationship?
2 Responses
Thank you so much, Jay. I read through your article and, found out I do the whole 4 all the time. But, my girlfriend never believes them and never hides the fact that she doesn’t. She has been through some bad relationship in the past and puts me and her ex in the same basket. This is making things very difficult for me because, the more I try to connect, the more she pulls back. She told me I was pretending to love her because she doesn’t believe a man can be as loving as i’m unless he wants something in return. Now, its becoming hectic for me.
Hey Kingson! You’re very welcome.
Glad to hear you’re applying this to your relationship. It’s a great habit to have.
But while reassurance is important, it cannot fill a void of trust between you and your girlfriend. If she chooses not to trust you, no amount of reassurance will do your situation any good.
A conversation you should consider having is one that involves discussing what trust means to you both and how it should be earned/given over time. It’d also help to discuss your vision for what a trustworthy relationship would look like, so you can focus on moving closer to it.
If there’s no progress on the issue, you might benefit from speaking with a professional that can help her learn to process the hurt caused by her previous relationships so she can open up as well as helping you learn ways to connect that make her feel more comfortable and safe with you.