3 Actions That Define Cheating

Is going to a friend’s bachelor party at a strip club considered cheating? What about flirting and teasing? Or what about carrying condoms if you and your mate don’t use them or aren’t sexually active?

These are all issues that have come up over time by couples at my events or that I’ve coached. It seems every millennial has an entirely different set of rules that determine where the line is drawn for cheating. While this is normal coming into a relationship, it’s important that you and your mate get on the same page about what constitutes cheating. This way, you can be sure you’re not crossing your partner’s boundaries to the point where they feel betrayed.

I recently came across some advice from the late Dr. Shirley Glass, regarding what exactly constitutes whether a relationship [outside of your own] is an affair or not and I believe she was spot on. Here are the three factors:

1. Secrecy – “Suppose two people meet every morning at seven o’clock for coffee before work, and they never tell their partners. Even though it might be in a public place, their partner is not going to be happy about it. It is going to feel like a betrayal, a terrible deception.”

2. Emotional Intimacy – “When someone starts confiding things to another person that they are reluctant to confide to their partner, and the emotional intimacy is greater in the friendship than in the [relationship], that’s very threatening. One common pathway to affairs occurs when somebody starts confiding negative things about their relationship to a person of the opposite sex. What they’re doing is signaling: ‘I’m vulnerable; I may even be available.’”

3. Sexual Chemistry – “That can occur even if two people don’t touch. If one says, “I’m really attracted to you,” or “I had a dream about you last night, but, of course, I’m [in a relationship], so we won’t do anything about that,” that tremendously increases the sexual tension by creating forbidden fruit in the relationship.”

These are three elements that are clear, concise and easy to agree with. They are also at the root of many of the other reasons folks draw their boundaries where they do.

So the next time you’re discussing what constitutes cheating or not, ask your mate if one of these three elements is why they drew the line where they did. I found that when it came to those issues I mentioned above, going to a strip club was considered building sexual chemistry with another person, the flirting and teasing consisted of both sexual chemistry as well as emotional intimacy and carrying around those condoms were done in secret.

Trust takes forever to build, yet only a moment to destroy forever. Make sure you and your mate are on the same page about what your expectations are around infidelity. Your trust is not worth damaging over something you weren’t aware of.

What Say You, Folks?

Are there things your partner considered cheating that you don’t? What are they and why don’t you think they are?

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